I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
