he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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