I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
