I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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