dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
the condom got lost in my hair
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
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