Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
