I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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