I will die if light touches me.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
