So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
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