i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
