I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
