11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
