the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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