You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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