Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
