I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize