2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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