my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
