Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
The power of my boobs compel you
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize