also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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