I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
