Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
