Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
