I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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