She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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