Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
