Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize