my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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