You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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