hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
