Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
it was like eating out sand paper
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
