The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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