After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
