she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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