she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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