You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
