I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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