don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
