mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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