Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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