My liver just broke up with me...
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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