tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
My ass is underappreciated
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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