I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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