I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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