I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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