My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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