What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
