The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
