I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize