I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
