I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize