I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
