so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize