I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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