Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
