I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
