Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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