Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize