i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Two words: blizzard sex
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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