Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
