dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
