filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
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