Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
