just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
