It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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