just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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