Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
